Janet’s Solution
Department of Homeland Security Issues Terrorist ID Cards
Requires Application, $25 Fee
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report) – In the wake of the Christmas Day airline terror attempt, the Department of Homeland Security today said it was instituting a bold new series of security measures, including issuing an official “proof of terrorism” I.D. card.
“All potential terrorists must have the terrorist I.D. card in order to be barred from boarding,” said Homeland Security secretary Janet Napolitano. “If you want to get on the no-fly list you’ll need a completed application and the $25 fee.”
Ms. Napolitano said that while the terror suspect’s father had warned the U.S. about his son weeks before the incident, the Homeland Security Dept. was tightening rules in that area as well: “In the future, it will be necessary for a terrorist’s mom and dad to warn us before we take it seriously.”
The Homeland Security chief said that her department would continue to crack down on the primary threat to air safety: shampoo.
“We will be looking out for shampoo like never before,” she said. “If you want to smuggle it on board, you had better hide it with your bomb-making supplies.”
She also praised the Department’s decision to ban in-flight bathroom use: “One thing every terrorist has in common is that they eventually need to pee.”
JackTymann
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ALL EUROPEAN LIFE DIED IN AUSCHWITZ
The following is a copy of an article written by Spanish writer Sebastian Vilar Rodrigez and published in a Spanish newspaper on Jan. 15 2008. It doesn’t take much imagination to extrapolate the message to the rest of Europe – and possibly to the rest of the world.
=====================================================
REMEMBER AS YOU READ — IT WAS IN A SPANISH PAPER
Date: Tue, 15 January 2008 14:30:20 -0500
ALL EUROPEAN LIFE DIED IN AUSCHWITZ
By Sebastian Vilar Rodrigez
I walked down the street in Barcelona, and suddenly discovered a terrible truth – Europe died in Auschwitz.. We killed six million Jews and replaced them with 20 million Muslims. In Auschwitz we burned a culture, thought, creativity, talent. We destroyed the chosen people, truly chosen, because they produced great and wonderful people who changed the world.
The contribution of this people is felt in all areas of life: science, art, international trade, and above all, as the conscience of the world. These are the people we burned.
And under the pretense of tolerance, and because we wanted to prove to ourselves that we were cured of the disease of racism, we opened our gates to 20 million Muslims, who brought us stupidity and ignorance, religious extremism and lack of tolerance, crime and poverty, due to an unwillingness to work and support their families with pride.
They have blown up our trains and turned our beautiful Spanish cities into the third world, drowning in filth and crime.
Shut up in the apartments they receive free from the government, they plan the murder and destruction of their naive hosts.
And thus, in our misery, we have exchanged culture for fanatical hatred, creative skill for destructive skill, intelligence for backwardness and superstition.
We have exchanged the pursuit of peace of the Jews of Europe and their talent for for a better future for their children, their determined clinging to life because life is holy, for those who pursue death, for people consumed by the desire for death for themselves and others, for our children and theirs.
What a terrible mistake was made by miserable Europe .
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A lot of Americans have become so insulated from reality that they imagine America can suffer defeat without any inconvenience to themselves.
Absolutely No Profiling! Pause a moment, reflect back, and take the following multiple choice test.
These events are actual events from history. They really happened! Do you remember?
HERE’S THE TEST
1. 1968 Bobby Kennedy was shot and killed by:
a. Superman
b. Jay Leno
c. Harry Potter
d. A Muslim male extremist between the ages of 17 and 40
2. In 1972 at the Munich Olympics, athletes were kidnapped and massacred by :
a. Olga Corbett
b. Sitting Bull
c. Arnold Schwarzenegger
d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40
3. In 1979, the US embassy in Iran was taken over by:
a. Lost Norwegians
b. Elvis
c. A tour bus full of 80-year-old women
d . Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40
4. During the 1980’s a number of Americans were kidnapped in Lebanon by:
a. John Dillinger
b. The King of Sweden
c. The Boy Scouts
d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40
5. In 1983, the US Marine barracks in Beirut was blown up by:
a. A pizza delivery boy
b. Pee Wee Herman
c. Geraldo Rivera
d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40
6. In 1985 the cruise ship Achille Lauro was hijacked and a 70 year old American passenger was murdered and thrown overboard in his wheelchair by:
a. The Smurfs
b. Davey Jones
c. The Little Mermaid
d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40
7. In 1985 TWA flight 847 was hijacked at Athens , and a US Navy diver trying to rescue passengers was murdered by:
a. Captain Kidd
b. Charles Lindberg
c. Mother Teresa
d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40
8. In 1988, Pan Am Flight 103 was bombed by:
a. Scooby Doo
b. The Tooth Fairy
c. The Sundance Kid
d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40
9. In 1993 the World Trade Center was bombed the first time by:
a. Richard Simmons
b. Grandma Moses
c. Michael Jordan
d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40
10. In 1998, the US embassies in Kenya and Tanzania were bombed by:
a. Mr. Rogers
b. Hillary Clinton, to distract attention from Wild Bill’s women problems
c. The World Wrestling Federation
d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40
11. On 9/11/01, four airliners were hijacked; two were used as missiles to take out the World Trade Centers and of the remaining two, one crashed into the US Pentagon and the other was diverted and crashed by the passengers.
Thousands of people were killed by:
a. Bugs Bunny, Wiley E. Coyote, Daffy Duck and Elmer Fudd
b. The Supreme Court of Florida
c. Mr Bean
d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40
12. In 2002 the United States fought a war in Afghanistan against:
a. Enron
b. The Lutheran Church
c. The NFL
d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40
13. In 2002 reporter Daniel Pearl was kidnapped and murdered by:
a. Bonnie and Clyde
b. Captain Kangaroo
c. Billy Graham
d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40
No, I really don’t see a pattern here to justify profiling, do you? So, to ensure we Americans never offend anyone, particularly fanatics intent on killing us, airport security screeners will no longer be allowed to profile certain people.. They must conduct random searches of 80-year-old women, little kids, airline pilots with proper identification, secret agents who are members of the President’s security detail, 85-year old Congressmen with metal hips, and Medal of Honor winner and former Governor Joe Foss, but leave Muslim Males between the ages 17 and 40 alone lest they be guilty of profiling.
Let’s send this to as many people as we can so that the Gloria Aldreds and other dunder-headed attorneys along with Federal Justices that want to thwart common sense, feel ashamed of themselves — if they have any such sense.
As the writer of the award winning story ‘Forrest Gump’ so aptly put it, ‘Stupid is as stupid does.’
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Warning by Juval Aviv
I just got an email about predictions by a security expert named Juval Aviv. I looked it up on snopes and wikipedia, who shared text and both called him a liar. He is supposed to be ex-mossad. Sources (Mossad and CIA) quoted by snopes and wikipedia say they never heard of him. The email has been going around since 2007, so the “within 90 days” part is probably not valid 
TruthOrFiction said some of the email was false but on the whole it was good advice. The advice given is said to jibe with similar advice given an a government readiness site. Here is an excerpt:
There was an international security conference held in April of 2008 in New York hosted by the New York chapter of the AISIS Organization. Although it is not certain that Juval Aviv gave a presentation at this conference there was an article published by Don Aviv of Interfor, Inc, called “Terrorism Vulnerability Assessments (TVAs):Statistical vs. ‘Real-World’ Models.” The article discusses the current terrorist threat situation and offers low cost anti terrorist tips for corporations. Click for article
The Department of Homeland Security put up a Ready.Gov web site with resources to equip citizens with planning tools in the event of a disaster or attack which are pretty much in alignment to the emergency plan that Juval Aviv outlined. Click for Ready.Gov website
About all I know for sure is we are living in interesting times. I am going to study the articles and plan accordingly if it is good advice. More later.
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